The many voices in our lives can sometimes be a distraction from truly sensing the significant. When we listen to too many voices, significance starts to become elusive. You don’t know whom to please. But God’s view of us is concrete. Genuine significance is rooted and grounded in Him.

I use to like being alone. Every time I was alone, I felt like I was in a totally different world. In a way, I felt like I had the whole world at my fingertip. I felt like I was the boss of myself - I felt like a leader. There was no need for pretense, no more baggage, no more fear, no more living in the eyes of others, no more expectation, anticipation or approval.

Now, I have to say, I'm quite different, things have changed - I have changed. Recently, I've started to realize that I hate being alone. Every time I'm alone, I start thinking. It's almost like a switch in my brain that turns 'on' by itself every time I'm left alone - I hate it. I hate the fact that I'm starting to be dependent on my friends.



And, I've only noticed this recently when a friend asked me to hang out and I told him that I had to check my schedule because it was really jam-packed. I literally had plans after plans after plans. There were days I had 3-4 plans in a day and I was always kept busy. I was too busy to think, I barely had any time to ponder. And truthfully...

I loved every moment of it.

I know there are people who hate being left alone. But to me, one of the advantages of being alone is that you do not have to accommodate others. You do not have to smile, you do not have to make small talk, you do not have to please others, you do not have to spare a thought for others. All the focus is on yourself. It's about finding yourself. Almost an indulgence. It's a good feeling.

Why? Because sometimes you are so tired of smiling and trying to be nice to others when others do not try to smile or be nice to you. Not trying to be a saint but you know you have tried to be good to others but others do not seem to try to be good to you; in fact, they begin to think you are a pushover.

When every good seems to be forgotten and each bad remembered. When a sheet of white paper with a black dot is noticed only for its black dot. When whatever credit you thought you might have built up ends up counting for nothing.

It's because of this view of mine that I've held so strongly for years that I shouldn't let a simple thing like constantly over thinking, tear down this view of mine. I refuse to let myself become dependent on others. I know that the only reason I want to be constantly kept busy is so that I can escape from all the thoughts that constantly forms in my mind.

I guess it all comes down to what our views and values are. It's about what defines us from the rest of the world. It's our calling. It's what we choose to stand up for. We can't let the things that are happening in our life just change our views and values just like that. So whatever it is we should stand up for them & we should stand firm. We have too. It's what defines us.

Sometimes, it's what makes us different from a follower and a leader.

Have you ever felt like every time you are force to make a decision, the decision you choose could either make or break your day? It could either strengthen a friendship or break a friendship? For me, my choices always seems to find it's way back to haunt me - never failing to leave me with regret. At times, even trusting my own instinct seems to end up being the worst possible decision.

It's bad enough knowing you made the wrong decision but knowing that you aren't able to walk back in your foot steps and change your choices - that thought scares me.

It's the fear of choosing between our choices and not knowing the outcome that sends shivers running down our spine. It's not so much about taking risk, but knowing that if we ever regret our decision, we are force to live with the consequences of our choices that really scares us. It's our conscience that stays rooted at the back of our mind that ends up torturing us.

And at times, when we find that we have no choice but to trust our own instinct, that is probably the moment in time where we are really made to stop in our tracks and think about which route to take.

I've always told myself that as much as we can dodge our responsibilities, we can never dodge the consequences of dodging our responsibilities. Sure, there are times, we should take risk because we never know where the road might take us.

When we choose the right path, we very rarely wonder to ourselves the outcome of choosing the other path. But, when we make the wrong choices/decisions, we are always force to wonder...

what would happen if we took the other path?

would the grass be greener on the other side?



I guess, only god will know.

So, that was one unintentionally long break.

I know in the past 2 months, I've dropped off the blogging radar and even now, I'm not exactly back on the radar. However, I just really felt like writing a post about 2010. I wrote a post about 2009 which can be found 'here' and as you can see, my life has nearly took a 360 degree turn.

2010 was probably the year which I noticed a significant change in my life. Like Steph LKC said on her tumblr - "There has been a lot of could-haves, should-haves and omfg-I want to kill someone-moments." - "There’s been some friendship fall outs, some doubts, tears, sicknesses and injuries too."

In 2010, my little clan/group/gang - "Rodrick Fierze" of 3 members from 2009 increased to 5 members and joined alliances with "Shimmer". Therefore we are now Rodrick Fierze + Shimmer. RF + Shimmer are basically my "shadows" - Even though they might not be there with me 24/7, they are always on my mind. They are my big brother and sisters from another mother. At times, I like to see them as the guardian angels that God has given to me. They are like the ketchup to my cheese burger, the flavor that makes up my bubble tea. In other words, life would not be the same without them. (I should really take this mushy talk down a notch!)

And to answer your question LKC, the Fierze group don't all go to the same university so I guess we just have to put in a little more effort than the norm to not drift away. (I totally dedicated a small section just for you Jessie!) ;)

Disgressing from that, a lot of things happened this year which has been pretty memorable and of course when there are ups, there are probably bound to have downs. I've learnt that even though my heart at times feels like it's being put through a mincing machine, I'll still survive. Even though sometimes, I think that the painful memories will never go away; sometimes it does. Sometimes, it fades into nothing more than a distant memory.

At first, I didn't think 2010 was the best year for me but after reading through my past blog post over the past few days I think it's probably one of the best years of my life - possibly even the best. I thought 2010 could have ended wayy better than how it actually ended but aside from that, 2010 was a pretty good year.