Bought the tickets? Take the ride.

Posted by May on Friday, July 22, 2011

It's a new dawn.
It's a new day.
It's a new story.
It's a new chapter.
It's a new page.

It's a new life.

I knew her back then™

Posted by May on Thursday, July 21, 2011

She was just a simply young girl - mischievous, loud and carefree. Even though she never really had any friends, and no one really cared or bothered to get to know her, it never bothered her because she was independent. She didn't need anyone. She didn't mind being alone. Even though she was bullied and mocked in school, she always remembered what her mother once told her, "sticks and stones may break your bones but words can never hurt you". That was her motto.

Troubles came, but it soon passed because it was nothing she could not handle. Life wasn't perfect, but there wasn't much to complain. Life went on and no matter what trials she faced, she would always pick herself up. No matter what abusive words people would hurled at her, she would never let it affect her because she knew someone up there, loved her for who she was. And for her, that was enough.

But somewhere down the road of Life, she got lost. She went down the wrong path and started wandering through the city walls alone. Fortunately for her, someone came and picked her up, cleaned her and gave her another chance. It was that someone who made her realize that the bright light that came in when she was in the dark, was not to blind her, but to show her the way.

She learned to love, trust and finally opened herself up entirely to that person. He became so protective of her that she started to become protective of herself. She started to feel like someone of 'value'. And in turn, she wanted to be there for that person because he was the only one that treated her as a someone when society treated her as a no one. However, even though he was there for her, he didn't want to burden her with his problems. In the end, he chose to leave.

She could live without that someone and forget him. But she chose not to forget him, because she knew that she wouldn't be the person she was now if it wasn't for that someone. He could have left her when he found her on the ground. But, he picked her up, dusted her off and made sure she was standing on her own two feet before he left.

Life is no different from a book. Season change, people come and go. Whether they're just a chapter in your life, or whether they stayed till the end, nobody really knows. But if there was one thing she was sure of, she wanted him to stay till the end. She wanted him to be there when she got married because to her, he was a part of her family.

The story doesn't go any further than this.

We can predict our future as much as we want, but there is no guaranteed promise that our future is going to be the outcome we planned in our mind. At some point we'll feel pain, and there'll be tears. But, like I said in my last post - people come and people go.

Friends who once held great promise of an everlasting friendship might not necessarily make it into the next chapter of your life. People are like sunlight. You can feel their warmth and their glow, but you can't hold them in your hand and keep them with you forever.

That girl in the story who was so independent, I knew her back then.

Vault™

Posted by May on Wednesday, July 20, 2011

For a while now, I've been wondering to myself if I am a good friend. Perhaps my own definition of being a 'good friend' is somewhat skewed to the status quo. I can't help but continuously ask myself, 'Am I not good enough?'. Yet at the same time, it is not my insecurity talking, it is simply a question that remains unasked.

I've tried in my own clumsy ways, to be what I could. But no matter what I did, I was always under the impression that my efforts seemed to go unnoticed. I don't feel betrayed, because I don't think I have the right to feel that way. We just found ourselves on different wavelengths, it was inevitable.

Surprisingly - it doesn't hurt anymore. It seems that I've already grown accustomed to the pain. Maybe I've already started to move on, without knowing? However, I got to admit, I do feel a certain sadness watching the bitter smoke unfurling from the extinguished lantern. A lantern that once held great promise.


I accept that perhaps our paths were meant to cross but never entwine.

Quoted by an "old friend".

I still care, and always will.
Once your in my heart, your there forever.

I'm utterly disgusting.

Posted by May on Thursday, July 14, 2011

I don't know what's more disgusting...

a) the fact that I went to bed at 12a.m and set my alarm clock at 3a.m to study
b) I convinced myself at 3AM that sleep was more important than study.
c) or the fact that I woke up at 3p.m in the afternoon

You're right, I'm utterly disgusting!

I'm probably the most unproductive person you'll meet within a fifteen kilometre radius and I'm not particularly proud of it. I like to see myself as a person that needs AT LEAST 12 hours of sleep. If I wake up before I had my 12 hours of sleep, I tend to start my day being moody. Some people tells me I'm unhealthy when they find out I sleep an average of 12 hours on a daily basis but I call them jealous. Because.. who doesn't love sleep?

So, currently.. I'm on the verge of failing a course at uni because I'm really great and I never really bother to attend any of the 'help' session they offered during the semester. I have a supplementary exam tomorrow morning and I can feel the stress level crawling up my neck. It doesn't help that I'm currently having a pounding headache that feels like tiny gnomes inside my head mining for gold.

I've been studying the whole day (ever since 3p.m) in my PJ's in the comfort of my messy room which currently looks it's been robbed. Right now, I'm kinda regretting the amount of chocolate that has passed through the gates of my teeth today because we all know who just might be getting more pimples tomorrow.

I apologise for the lack of quality in my posts (Quality? In your posts, May? Good joke). I feel like the quality of my posts and my writing has steadily decreased exponentially (not that I'm ever revisiting the nightmare that is maths) but, it's partially because I'm stressed.

I know, it seems like all I do on this blog is throw pieces of nonsensical writing on your browser but if your reading this, I'm guessing I must be entertaining you in some way or another. I'm guessing, this 'space' is probably a place where you come when you've exhausted all other procrastination revenues, kinda like a last resort.

You know, you love me.

Anyways, it's probably wise if I return to studying.
Wish me luck guys! (I'm going to need it)

I've been feeling down in the dumps.

Posted by May on Friday, July 08, 2011

I've been feeling really out of touch lately, ergo me crawling into a shell of inactivity as far as blogging goes. Ever since my last blog post which was a little over 2 weeks ago, I've been feeling down in the dumps. Like, as in thirty metres down-in-the-dumps amongst all the clutter and non-biodegradable plastic bags.


I've been feeling Blaaaah. My thoughts have also been blah. I felt torn almost everyday and I've started to lose interest in a lot of things. To be honest, I was angry with God. I kept going through trials after trials & they never seem to be ending. If that wasn't bad enough, I had to deal with it all by myself. What's worst was that... I couldn't even get what I wanted. So, I began to think to myself: Why am I going through all these trials when God doesn't seem to care about what I want?

I was so mad & frustrated that it actually came to a point where I was fuming which such rage that I refuse to read my bible or even say my prayers. I even broke down at youth during praise and worship because.. I felt so distant from God. And of course, the last thing I wanted to do was blog about it for 900 people to read and know that I was angry with God.

But God is good. And, I'm not saying that because He gave me what I wanted in the end -- because He didn't. And it hurt. Of course it hurt. But, I realize that even the greatest people in the Bible didn't have a smooth-sailing life either. With them, however, the tragedy wasn't just in not getting what they hoped for, but more often than not, it was something much worse.

For instance, we have Daniel who had his share of lions in the den, Joseph who was betrayed by his own brothers, and Jonah who got swallowed up by a whale. And, of course.. there's Jesus who died for our sins.

These are some of the most significant historical figures that ever lived, and they obviously weren't always happy. Where's the good news, you might ask? My answer is, their stories didn't end there just yet, and I think that was what made all the differences. When Jesus died, his story was not over because He died for a reason, which required him to rise again from the grave three days later. And in doing so, was able to fulfill the very task that God assigned him. And because of that -- because Jesus fought the good fight, we've found freedom and all the hope to live on.


So I refuse to believe that God is the kind of God who allows people to end up in a den full of lions or inside the stomach of a whale for no good reason. We may not know His reason for it at the time -- which is why it's just so hard to trust God, right? -- but if there's another thing that I am learning, it's that the only way we're ever going to have a chance at finding out God's purpose for our shattered dreams is through these two steps:

First, put your trust in who God is, because He is good. And by trusting in His goodness, we are made secure in His promise that He makes all things -- both the good and the bad -- work together for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28)

Second, because we already know that He can use anything and everything for our good, we have to realize that how we respond to every disappointment, to every failure, to every earth shattering event in our lives matters so much more than we are able to imagine at the moment.

I don't think we're ever going to be the kind of people God dreams for us to be until we realize -- and may I quote Pete Wilson on this -- "He cares more about who we're becoming than where we're going or what we're achieving". In other words, God will always care more about our character than our personal comfort or happiness. And I guess for many like me, our stubborn clinging to comfort and happiness could just be what is holding us back from the best that God has called us to. Because a lot of times, and I think, this might just apply to just about everything, the best things are the ones worth striving for, suffering for and changing for.

But, now that it's over.. and for the sake of being cooler. Let's just pretend I wasn't dealing with teenage angst and that I flew out of earth and befriended some aliens instead. Yep, I've most definitely got swag. But, to end this blog post, to everyone reading this... just know that it's perfectly fine to be angry with God because truth be told, God.. can handle it.

So, no matter what trials anyone is facing...

Hold on, and have a little faith.