I use to like being alone. Every time I was alone, I felt like I was in a totally different world. In a way, I felt like I had the whole world at my fingertip. I felt like I was the boss of myself - I felt like a leader. There was no need for pretense, no more baggage, no more fear, no more living in the eyes of others, no more expectation, anticipation or approval.

Now, I have to say, I'm quite different, things have changed - I have changed. Recently, I've started to realize that I hate being alone. Every time I'm alone, I start thinking. It's almost like a switch in my brain that turns 'on' by itself every time I'm left alone - I hate it. I hate the fact that I'm starting to be dependent on my friends.



And, I've only noticed this recently when a friend asked me to hang out and I told him that I had to check my schedule because it was really jam-packed. I literally had plans after plans after plans. There were days I had 3-4 plans in a day and I was always kept busy. I was too busy to think, I barely had any time to ponder. And truthfully...

I loved every moment of it.

I know there are people who hate being left alone. But to me, one of the advantages of being alone is that you do not have to accommodate others. You do not have to smile, you do not have to make small talk, you do not have to please others, you do not have to spare a thought for others. All the focus is on yourself. It's about finding yourself. Almost an indulgence. It's a good feeling.

Why? Because sometimes you are so tired of smiling and trying to be nice to others when others do not try to smile or be nice to you. Not trying to be a saint but you know you have tried to be good to others but others do not seem to try to be good to you; in fact, they begin to think you are a pushover.

When every good seems to be forgotten and each bad remembered. When a sheet of white paper with a black dot is noticed only for its black dot. When whatever credit you thought you might have built up ends up counting for nothing.

It's because of this view of mine that I've held so strongly for years that I shouldn't let a simple thing like constantly over thinking, tear down this view of mine. I refuse to let myself become dependent on others. I know that the only reason I want to be constantly kept busy is so that I can escape from all the thoughts that constantly forms in my mind.

I guess it all comes down to what our views and values are. It's about what defines us from the rest of the world. It's our calling. It's what we choose to stand up for. We can't let the things that are happening in our life just change our views and values just like that. So whatever it is we should stand up for them & we should stand firm. We have too. It's what defines us.

Sometimes, it's what makes us different from a follower and a leader.