I am not okay. I haven't been for how many weeks already. I've been going through a lot of confusion and uncertainty lately that has cause me to become nothing more than an emotional wreck. At one stage, I honestly felt like I couldn't take it anymore. I needed something to counter everything that's causing me so much pressure and sadness.

You see, this pressure isn't at all bad. If anything, I believe it would actually do me good. But I'm a cow(ard). If I just had a little more courage to talk to God about it and if I trusted God maybe just a little more, then maybe I wouldn't be feeling like this. But no, because of my superficial ego, I'm willing to put everything on the line. I'm so silly.

So anyways, last week I almost gave up. On what? On God, maybe? On my commitment in making myself and my life better for His glory? I reasoned to myself that I couldn't feel God helping me out. I even complained that I felt so alone. And I felt so helpless because there's been this constant battle inside of me. It's like those comedy films where the angel and the devil are flying above my shoulders and simultaneously harassing me with their brilliant and a-MAY-zing ideas - only, It just wasn't comedic at all like in the movies. It's been really tiring and because I'm still growing spiritually, I'm vulnerable and very easily tempted.

Despite my desire to fix my life according to what God wants for me, I've been compromising a lot, trying to convince Him that maybe we could meet somewhere along the lines, wherein my plans and His plans would somehow meet in the middle. But of course, I know that was so foolish of me. Surrendering everything to God, even the things that seem harmless or even good, is never easy. I need to trust Him more for me to be able to do that.

It took a lot of things to happen to make me realize my sudden lack of faith in Him. Even though I know God is always with me and will never forsake me, even though I know He loves me and that fact will never ever change, it still doesn't give me as much comfort as I need.

I've preached about God and how all of us should abide in His ways because in the end, we'll know it's for the best. I've felt how mighty He is and how He can change lives just as long as we let Him. But where has all that wisdom gone?

Where has my positive attitude towards love, life and destiny gone?