I admit, 2010 has started for me on a very rocky start. I'm just not ready for 2010 just yet. Everything about 2010 has been fake. The smiles,the laugh, the joy - it has all been fake. Obviously, the only true thing about me is that I am an actress, an awesome one indeed. I can do a fake laugh, make it seem real. I can do a fake smile, make it seem like I am happy. The joy, oh its fake too. Deep inside, I am not happy - not just yet anyways.

The last time I didn’t fake a smile - when I received my TER score.
The last time I didn’t fake a laugh - when I went to a friend's BBQ.
The last time I didn’t fake the joy - my birthday.

As you can see, all this happened in 2009!

When I'm bored, upset.. I will start contemplating on the things that I've done. Mistakes that I have made, Regrets that constantly haunts me leaving me thinking, 'If only I did this differently.. I wouldn’t be feeling like this'. I think the picture that I paint of my life is not what it truly is. Everything is hidden too perfectly, the tears, the sadness, the pain.. its all hidden. My family, my closest friends.. they don’t know anything.

I’ve been lying to everyone that I have met this year. Putting a brave front in front of everyone and making my life look like its perfectly fine. Even sometimes, I end up fooling myself and thinking that my life is perfectly alright - its not. The easiest person to deceive is one's self.

So, with everything that I have said here, it all ends here today.

Its time to get real.
~3/1/2010